Short Shorts (3)

Sam and Ralph

For a while, I was commuting to and from work on the light rail. I was on my way home one evening when I noticed two young men looking at me from across the aisle of the train. I did not recognize them, but was concerned about the way they were watching me. After a few minutes, with my adrenaline rising, I asked if they needed something, if they were okay. The closer young man smiled and said, “I was telling my friend that you arrested me for selling drugs. You said that I was doing my job, selling drugs and you were doing your job, arresting me. You said that you just did your job better than me that day.”

He paused for effect. “I decided that I wasn’t very good at that job, so when I got out of jail, I went to CET (public vocational school) to fix cars. We’re going home from school now.”

Oh. Well that changes things. I told him to let me know when he was working so I could take my car to him and went back to sleep.

Soda Inflation

I was driving on patrol, in the late evening in the downtown area, nearing midnight. I saw a man running across the street toward me, waving his arms to flag me down. I stopped in the middle of the street, which was fairly quiet at that moment and turned on my flashers. I hopped out immediately, because that’s what we do (we don’t like to be inside the car when strange, screamy people run up to us). He ran up to me breathlessly.

“Officer, officer.” He paused to catch his breath and pointed to a woman who was walking away, quickly down the street. I recognized her as a local prostitute. “Officer, I gave that women $20 to…to…” and he looked at me and the police car and the lights and the badge and gun. “To…buy me a soda and she took my money and didn’t buy me a soda.”

Sir, that sounds like a civil dispute.

Family Matters

I was driving on patrol when I saw my cousin drive by the other direction. I hadn’t seen him in a while and thought I would go say, “Hi.” I made a U-turn and pulled in behind him and turned on the lights, knowing that he had seen me as well and knew that it was me behind him.

However, my cousin had a friend in the car with him. When I turned on the lights, he told his friend, “Oh my God. I have warrants! I can’t go to jail!” His friend tried to calm him and then my cousin said, “No! I can’t stop! I’m going to take off!” My cousin hit the gas, accelerating up to the 35 MPH speed limit. The friend begged my cousin to let him out.

My cousin stopped at the curb, the friend dived out into the grass, and I stopped behind them. I walked up to the car, a little surprised that the passenger was lying in the grass. I said “hello” to my cousin and asked why the passenger had jumped out of the car.

My cousin looked at me and, with a straight face, said, “I have no idea.”